There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
