I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
