i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
