did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
