I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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