Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
