It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
