i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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