Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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