Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
