I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
