life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
