What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
