I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
