Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dear god my vagina.
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