Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
