I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
