im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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