Whod you bang
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
