Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
