I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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