She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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