all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
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Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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