You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
