Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
