I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
