she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
