Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
