i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
