Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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