Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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