Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
