speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
