Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
