I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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