when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We had to coat check the pizza.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
