I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
