Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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