I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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