does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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