I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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