Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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