we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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