Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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