we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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