You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
