I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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should my penis look like a turkey
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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