I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
