Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
