What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you