I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
did you just send me my own nude
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?