I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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