My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
