Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
