his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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